Introducing Me

All of my life I’ve been hooked on words. It began with reading. I devoured books. I was the girl that read under her desk at school instead of listening to the teacher. I was the girl that got grounded from reading. I’m drawn to stories in all their forms: movies, tv shows, song lyrics, poems, fiction, etc. Eventually I decided to write my own stories. Unfortunately most of them I have deleted and are lost in the digital abyss. Sometimes I wish I could go back and read them. I’m sure they are absolutely awful, however, it would be nice to travel back in time to that teenage brain. Back then, I set a dream to get published. As an adult, I’ve turned it into a goal. Presently, I struggle with finding the time and energy to write something as lengthy as a novel even though I have two started. In therapy two and a half years ago my therapist suggested I try writing about my feelings to get them out. I have this issue where thoughts and feelings seem to get stuck inside and until I get them out I can’t get out of my head. Sometimes it feels like I’m going crazy. Writing them out worked but they started coming out as poems. For a while, I kept them as a secret tucked in close. I was afraid they weren’t good enough. I mean, in school you’re taught that poems are these lengthy, stiff structured pieces of work. I remember hating poetry in school. I didn’t like how deep you had to look for the meaning. In the last couple years though, a trend in poetry has emerged. It’s more in-your-face, blatant, and bold. That’s more of the style I write in.

To add to the struggles of a writer, there’s the fear of judgement. Everyone grapples with the fear of being judged but for a writer it’s your heart and soul on the page. In so many important relationships in my life I’ve felt disconnected and unsafe. As a result, I’ve swallowed feelings and shrunk myself to please them. There was one day though when I was reading The Nightingale by Kristin Hannah and I came across a line, “I always thought it was what I wanted: to be loved and admired. Now I think perhaps I’d like to be known.” After all, what’s the point of focusing on being liked when it leaves the bitter aftertaste of loneliness? That quote has given me so much strength to be myself. I guess you could call it one of my mantras. Ultimately, it’s one of a few quotes that have encouraged me to be brave and let you read my feelings on a page. My reason for sharing all of this, all of me, with you is in hopes that my words will reach someone somewhere and touch their soul like many others’ words have touched mine. Enjoy.

With words I have the 
Power 
to turn a memory
Sweet
to turn a memory
Sour
-poetry

It feels good to pick up a pen
and write the truth
instead of hiding
behind fiction
-the unleashing

She writes to feel
She reads to forget
-found in words

Sugar on my tongue
Hellfire ink in my pen
-let it burn