It’s been a while. I feel like I begin all of my posts with that lately. Sometimes I feel like I’m slacking on my dream. But if I really was giving up I wouldn’t still be posting and still putting in the effort to write. For those of you that don’t know, I got into writing poetry through my therapist. She encouraged me to write my feelings down. One of the other things we discussed once was labels. Labels aren’t all encompassing. You don’t ever have to entirely fit in a label. Your individuality and lack of conformity to one title in life is what makes you who you are. So in honor of that, because sometimes we need reminded, the following poems have no common theme except that I like them.

In the creation of life our lips graze those of death 
Something so essential could lead to our demise
It’s with sheer stubbornness that we prevail
To keep ourselves and progeny on the living side of the veil
-childbirth

You know that moment when it’s not light but it’s not quite night?
You can see the glow of a streetlight
And the birds in flight
It might be one of my favorite moments
One stuck in between times
-dusk

Right? Wrong? Neutral?
Which one is it?
Or am I just too guarded 
Won’t let you in?
I want to
I want to get tangled in your limbs
And let your neurons intertwine with mine
Then our lives would mesh too
No longer separate 
‘Cause one plus one equals two
Would we be a force of nature ?
Or another mess in disguise?
Something neither one of us can recognize
I know we will stumble
All relationships do
But what keeps them together?
What is the glue?
Do we really need it?
Or are we magnetic?
In tune?

Dangling a carrot
Anger, hurt, broken hope
Time wasted

A dream already crushed 
Time already mucked
Grip me with a new hope
I hold tight to that rope

But the rope is a snake
Just another fake
Use what I have learned

From this dream I refuse to wake
I must let go ‘fore it’s too late 
-tease

Poem #1: My closest and oldest friend recently went through her child bearing journey. Pregnancy is a crazy wild ride for anyone but for her it’s as if the rollercoaster gods wanted to put her in their hall of fame. I don’t know if I could’ve been as brave or as strong as she had through it all. And that’s the thing, there are a million trials and tribulations through pregnancy and then the icing on the cake is childbirth. As women and mothers we all have some sort of story about the insane things that happened to our minds and bodies during this time. When writing this poem the irony really hit me: that there is or almost is death with every creation of life.

Poem #2: I wrote this poem on a summer evening while sitting outside drinking wine. The temperature and breezes were just right. It was a truly sublime moment. I wanted to capture it’s essence and how I feel after the crazy heat of summer days and the temp finally drops. Bliss.

Poem #3: Ah dating. This poem I wrote when I had feelings for someone I was dating but there seemed to be a roadblock. So I began questioning myself and my mental health and theirs.

Poem #4: This one I wrote after liking a lot of things about a romantic interest except for one quality (there were more but this one drove me nuts). I felt that he didn’t respect or value my time.

The post Moments of Reflection: Verses on Life, Love, and Transience first appeared on Gabrielle Stetz.

I have mentioned some poets in the past that inspire me. But I think I forgot one. I only forgot them because they are a little unorthodox. So, without further ado, will the real slim shady please stand up?

When I was in high school I became very angry with the world. Right around that same time Eminem’s album “Not Afraid” was released. As I’m sure most of you know, Eminem’s song “Not Afraid” became a huge hit and was on the radio a lot. That introduced me to his music. You would think his older music would’ve found me first. And it did. But it didn’t resonate with my emotions like this song could. So I started listening to that entire album and found a way to cope with my anger. That album was the soundtrack to my senior year. Now I listen to all of his music. And even now, 12 years later, I still find solace in his music when my anger burns.

When I started writing poetry I noticed the lyrics of his songs more and was in awe of them. Eminem’s ability to manipulate the English language fascinated me. I feel that every time I listen to one of his songs I find another punch line in it or notice a new way that the words fit together. Enter inspiration. This one’s for the Eminem fans.

There’s vomit on her sweater already
Moms spaghetti
She’s nervous
But on the surface she looks calm and ready to drop bombs
But
she keeps on forgetting 
“It would be so empty without me”

Her thoughts are sporadic, she acts like an addict
She won't get another chance, life is no Nintendo game

She fears how she feels inside
It may seem a little crazy pretty baby
But I promise mamas gonna be alright 

In the dark it’s time to exercise these demons. These motherfuckers are doing jumping jacks. Now she’s not afraid. Her pen’ll go off when she half cocks it. Then they’re gonna taste her venom

-anger inspiration and admiration 
-the Eminem show 

The post Let Her Roar first appeared on Gabrielle Stetz.

Throughout life we are asked a lot about our favorites. One my indecisive self has always struggled with is ‘What’s your favorite season?’ There are reasons I like and dislike each one. Usually though, I fall back on autumn. When writing this series of poems though I found myself stuck choosing one. How can one decide when there is beauty in each one? How can one decide when there is so much to learn from nature and society every time the season comes around? A whole lifetime of learning. Nature isn’t the only thing that cycles through the seasons; society does too. We have the same holidays every year with the same traditions. And not just that, our human emotions and routines cycle as well. I’ve been working on this series of poems for about a year now. Fitting, since each one is about a different season (albeit there’s two for spring). I wanted to make sure when I wrote the poem I was in that season so I could draw from as much of my feelings towards it as possible. I hope they pull at your memories and emotions too. Enjoy!

Frogs provide the bass
Birds sing the melody
Raindrops are the percussion
Warm breezes bring the dance

Pull of a puddle on a child’s rainboots
Hyacinth perfume graces the air
Heaviness of winter lifts
Color and warmth return

World awash with new growth, new life
I can only hope to learn 
from nature in the spring

Warm breezes
caress my skin
Sun rays
battle the chill in my bones
Pattering rain
drowns my fear
Blooming flowers
show me the way
-hello spring

Taste sun in fruit
Don my new bathing suit

Dreaming of ice cream
Don’t forget sunscreen!

Go play outside!
Let bedtime slide

Air brimming with moisture
Bugs buzzing annoys her
 
Watch thunderstorms roll in
Moscow mule with mint 

Marshmallow melting chocolate
Colors of the sunset

Sand between my toes
Firefly glows in hands closed

Sweat out of every pore
The birdsong I adore

Boats on the water
Can it get any hotter?

Time for vacation
Fireworks on that freedom occasion

Tangy barbecue
Poison ivy you’re allergic to

The memories sublime
Sweet Summertime

Crisp Chill
Scary Thrill
Leaves Aflame
Football Game

Knit Scarves
Pumpkins Carved
Grins Wider
Apple Cider

Blue Jeans
Chili Beans
Fuzzy Blankets
Candy Baskets

Bonfire heat
Trick or Treat
Hot Tea
Bye Bees

Reading, Writing
Decreased Lighting
Summer’s Over
Hello October

Snowflakes begin to fall
Million trips to the mall

Cuddled up with you
Lips turning blue

Baby it’s cold outside
Go for a sleigh ride

Evergreen scent 
Wrapping their present

The season of giving
Memories reliving 

Icicles glisten
Start a new tradition

Marshmallows floating in cocoa
Smile for family photo 

Holiday cheer
Happy new year!

Box of chocolates and a rose
Be my Valentine I suppose

Pinch me I’m Irish 
Ugly Christmas sweaters stylish
 
Ice skating with grace
Mistletoe in place

Jolly red suit
Hat, gloves, and boots

Ornaments on the tree
Peppermint so sweet

When does it end?
That winter wonderland

The post Cycle of the Seasons first appeared on Gabrielle Stetz.

It’s that day again! The day single people dread and significant others scramble over. And then there’s the little kids that are just grateful for another excuse for a school party and candy! Surprisingly, I fit in neither of these categories. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday. And when I say that, I usually immediately feel judged. Hear me out though.

My absolute best memory of Valentine’s Day is when I was a kid. I don’t remember how old I was, probably 6 or so. My mom woke me up the night before and we snuck downstairs and into my dad’s car to decorate it. We taped cut out paper hearts with handwritten sayings on them conversation heart style on the windows and seats. We hung a banner across the rear windshield that said “I love you Dad!”. The final touch was a fake rose on the seat with his Valentine’s Day card. I absolutely loved doing that. I felt so excited and thrilled for his reaction. And I felt like I was showing him how special he is. Little did I know my mother had something similar in store for me. When I woke up on Valentine’s Day morning there were streamers hanging in my doorway. She had taped cut out paper hearts (some even layered) with conversation heart style sayings written on them (some even in glitter glue) to ribbons and hung them in my doorway. I love(d) those silly little things. These weren’t grand gestures or material based. These were just small things to show someone you love how much you think about them. Right there is the moment my thoughts on the spirit of Valentine’s Day unfurled. Throughout life I used my philosophy to do fun and thoughtful things for the people I love on Valentine’s Day. Also, those handmade streamers? They hang in my home every Valentine’s Day season. My mom had saved them and sent them to me when I went to college.

I can’t remember if I was in high school or college but I found a movie called “Valentine’s Day” with a bunch of famous actors in it. I watch it every year now because it was able to put out there exactly how I feel about this holiday. Love is love is love. And this day is for celebrating all kinds of love. Love between significant others, love between friends, love between parents and kids, etc. Don’t let society limit love on this holiday.

Now, I’m a single mom and I haven’t had any major love interests in 3 years. But am I bitter on Valentine’s Day? Not ever. I choose to spend it with my son and celebrating the love I have for him. However, below I’ve included some poems I’ve written over the past few years about finding a partner to love. Enjoy! And show someone you love them today, even if the gesture is small and inexpensive. The right person will appreciate it.

Your lines and my curves 
and playful words 
Create a piece of art 

The paint, slick and warm 
Elicits soft moans 
Stroking in places 
I’ve never known 

You draw my quiver 
The arrow you’ll deliver 
and make your mark on my heart 

The situation is impossible
Your beauty, improbable
an indefinite longing
Our paths never crossing

Hope and frustration
They silence my elation
and leave the sting
That loneliness brings
-give me something to believe in

The ease of all our conversations slips into my bones
Melting like the creme brulee on my tongue

The lust of all this time spreads through my blood
Rushing like the river

The kindness of our souls seeps into our words and touches
Shining in the night like stars

A glimpse of what could be
No longer just a dream
-still feels like one

And Just Remember. . .

The post It’s A Matter Of The Heart first appeared on Gabrielle Stetz.

I would like to say that something catastrophic has been keeping me from working towards my life-long dream of supporting myself off my writing but alas, that is not the case. It’s just been regular ol’ life. When I started this website I told myself “you can’t let this website disappear,” “this is the year for your writing,” “you have to hustle,” etc. And look, it’s been months since I’ve posted. I’ve barely been reading. I haven’t been writing. I could sit here and beat myself up over it (and trust me I am to the point of tears), or I could give myself some grace and just pick up where I left off. Taking a break isn’t quitting right? You see, for most people this time of year is still easy. The holidays are coming but they aren’t here yet. But for a single mom in a leadership position, I’m being slammed by the series of holidays and events. They start with back to school for the kiddo and doesn’t end until the post-Christmas madness is put away. Instead of having the brain space and power to read and write, I’m left just wanting my brain to empty. I crave mindlessness and rest. The only space left for that though is wherever I can cram it. So just know, if I ever become a ghost of a writer I’ll always come back. I’m not giving up on this thing.

Let’s catch up on what I’ve been reading. Since my last post about books I’ve read I have finished a total of 6 books. That’s six books in 2 months. That’s 50% of what I’m normally capable of. However, I’m picking up speed so get ready. I’ll make a post later of the books I’ve been reading but for now just know some reviews are on their way!

Alright let’s get on to other things. Guys, it’s spooky season!! My absolute favorite is fall and I’m feeling in my element when I take a minute to enjoy it. Whether you’re a pumpkin fan or an apple fan or both (I won’t judge) this season is filled with so many fun things and amazing cool weather.

Fall
Crisp Chill
Scary Thrill
Leaves Aflame
Football Game

Knit Scarves
Pumpkins Carved
Grins Wider
Apple Cider

Blue Jeans
Chili Beans
Fuzzy Blankets
Candy Baskets

Bonfire heat
Trick or Treat
Hot Tea
Bye Bees

Reading, Writing
Decreased Lighting
Summer’s Over
Hello October

So, let’s talk spooky shit. I’ve been thinking a lot about ghosts. For some reason, this year whenever anything ghost related crops up I’m paying full attention. It’s inspiring a story in me but not just that. Ghosts haunt things. And who doesn’t have a ghost haunting them? I don’t necessarily mean a spirit causing weird noises in your home, although that’s possible. What I mean is anything that haunts you is basically a ghost. This time of year has a few difficult dates for me to get through. They haunt me. Whether I’m noticing it or not my mood changes when these days are approaching. It’s like my body remembers before my brain does. Anniversaries of trauma or anniversaries that are reminders of loss. And what’s closely related to anniversaries? Memories in general. You can be haunted by memories. I certainly am. Sometimes I let the memories grip me so tight it’s as if the memory is playing in front of me elder scrolls style.

The hands on the clock poke, prod, and dig
At my wound
It oozes when pushed like a button
The scab peels like a sticker
The hands dig and come out bloodied
Spreading the gore
-war paint

The thing about memories and nostalgia is that all the feelings you felt at that time come rushing back and follow you for a bit. It could be the memory of a parent that has passed which reminds you of what you lost. It could be the memory of “the one that got away” bringing up loss and loneliness. You think you’re past it. You think you’re healing but there are a million things in life that could act as triggers. Leaving you haunted once again. Words have a lot of power. Something someone said to you out of spite or to manipulate and bully you could be following you around your whole life, replacing your inner voice. Those words could be keeping you from your best self. People can haunt you. Although that kind of ties in with memories, words, and anniversaries. The same person could be involved in all of those things leaving you stuck. Maybe you or someone you love has a big birthday coming up (I’m turning 30 next year. Eek!) leaving you spooked by all the time that has passed and fear of the future.

Keep an eye out for my ghost story sometime this month! And have the happiest Halloween!

The post Haunted by the Hands of Time first appeared on Gabrielle Stetz.

Your giggles and smiles brighten my days
I’ll always blow your clouds away
-sun or son?

Your joy is catching
The way you run at the world laughing
Exploring all the gifts of life
and I’m here to block the knife

Sometimes my lioness roars
Other times she comforts and adores
when I’m drowning
Your tug on my hand is my grounding
-motherhood

She whispers
Go little fireflies
Help me be the spark
That lights up someone else’s dark

There once was a time
That I would look up at the stars
and find comfort in their shine
Fore if I can see their light in all the darkness
Surely I can find mine

Poem #1 is about how having a child that brings you back to the present. It seems like during all of my bad days my son gives me a reason to smile or laugh or he melts my heart. In a lot of ways, my present revolves around him. So, when depression is pulling me into the past and anxiety is pulling me into the future, my son has a way to bring me back to the present moment with him. It is something that I truly cherish.

Poem #2 is kind of along the same lines as the first poem. It’s about watching your child explore the world. They rarely have hesitation and just dive in. And of course, as mothers, we are there to protect them from harm. We are also their safe place. However, we are not the only ones who comfort in the relationship. When you’re feeling lost, they grab your hand and tug with a “mama will you play with me?”.

Poem #3 is about my hope for my writing. I hope that even in small ways I help someone.

Poem #4 is about finding the positivity when it seems there is no hope. As a child and a teen I spent a lot of time walking around on nature trails. I loved those moments of observing nature. It always seemed to center me. But when I didn’t have time for a walk I would just stop where I was and look up at the stars for a minute and that was a decent substitute.

The post Poems Part Three first appeared on Gabrielle Stetz.

Can I just say, it is so incredibly difficult for me to choose what poems to post! Part of me scours my writing looking for a theme, striving for perfection. The other part of me thinks “Oh hell, be messy like life and just get your words out there!” So, here I am being messy and alive. Enjoy!

The sun shines in my windows just right
and sets the trees alight
The wind plays a tune only the trees dance to
and bird song makes it's debut
The mural changes with the seasons
each day giving me a reason
to look for the beauty we live in
and find my peace within
I think the universe knew
I need a room with a view
-Treetop Sanctuary

I finally built something safe
But I’m the only one here in this place
I could stay in this castle forever
Do anything I pleasure
But I’m putting up this door 
and hanging all this decor
Hoping my forever will walk in
and ask me “where have you been?”

I stand before you a beautiful
Universe
Of a 
Woman
But you will never know my depth
Cuz all you see is the 
Specimen
That my
Biological parts
Create
-I am more than my body

I opened my body to you
You promised to keep me safe
 Disrespect turned to destruction
I escaped
But you took a piece of me with you
-the truth

Listen to me
He
Took
Nothing
From 
You
He only made you think he did
-you’re still whole

Poem #1: I fought so long and hard to have a place of my own. I ended up in a third floor apartment in the suburbs. It is a unique unit because it doesn’t have a balcony. However, I have this giant window (and many other windows) with an amazing view of a bunch of trees. When you sit on the couch and look out the window, all you see are the treetops. I’ve always used nature to calm myself or to think. I feel like something/someone knew I needed everyday easy access to nature in my busy single mom life and I’m blessed to have it. A safe space that belongs to me with a reminder that there are beautiful things in the world even when it gets dark.

Poem #2: Going off of the previous poem, this one is also about my feelings of safety in my home with an added element of longing to share it with another adult. And the knowledge that there has to be a door for them to be able to walk past these walls I’ve put up.

Poem #3-5: The last three poems have a theme as well. Sexual abuse is one of those topics that has so many feelings around it. In the first poem I address the feeling of being used, lonely, and unknown. In the second, I approached the devastation that happens when the abuse comes from someone you thought you could trust the most and wondering if you’ll ever be whole again. The third and final poem is the confident finality in knowing that there is a life to keep on living and finding yourself again.

The post Poems Part Two first appeared on Gabrielle Stetz.

You’ll have to let me know if you like an introduction to each poem or if you’d rather just read the poems. We’ll try it this way first. And please know, that if these poems relate to you in a different way than they do me, keep it that way. You don’t have to read the words through my eyes. Anger and I have always had a difficult relationship. I tend to shrink from it. I am very attentive to everyones movements, sighs, and tone of voice so I can sense the tension and know when to tip-toe or hide. Over the last couple of years, I have ver slowly made anger my friend. I wrote this poem when I was trying to find where the balance is between controlling the anger but also not being afraid of it and hearing what it has to say.

Rage rips through me
and I battle between
letting it out for my sake
and keeping it in for yours
-it’s clawing its way out

This one is about having a relationship with someone that is falling apart and you want so desperately to fix it. However, the other person doesn’t put the same effort in and you lose yourself trying to close the gap by yourself.

I can’t keep drowning to cross the
Ocean of disappointment between us
when you can’t even pick up your
Paddle to meet me in the boat you’re in
-can’t or won’t

This one is self-explanatory. I wrote this when I started to pick up on gaslighting patterns and noticed that in recognizing them I took away their power.

You poured the gas
and lit the match
But when the smoke
Cleared for once
I didn’t appear
-gaslighter, I’m not your victim anymore

I am so many things. I have so many thoughts. I have so many opinions. A lot of times I keep them quiet because I don’t feel safe or heard. I wrote this from the dark depths of the loneliness you feel when no one truly knows you.

My soul is a universe
when my sun shines
You close your eyes
-you’ll never know or understand me/my true self is not what you want to see

The post Poems Part One first appeared on Gabrielle Stetz.

All of my life I’ve been hooked on words. It began with reading. I devoured books. I was the girl that read under her desk at school instead of listening to the teacher. I was the girl that got grounded from reading. I’m drawn to stories in all their forms: movies, tv shows, song lyrics, poems, fiction, etc. Eventually I decided to write my own stories. Unfortunately most of them I have deleted and are lost in the digital abyss. Sometimes I wish I could go back and read them. I’m sure they are absolutely awful, however, it would be nice to travel back in time to that teenage brain. Back then, I set a dream to get published. As an adult, I’ve turned it into a goal. Presently, I struggle with finding the time and energy to write something as lengthy as a novel even though I have two started. In therapy two and a half years ago my therapist suggested I try writing about my feelings to get them out. I have this issue where thoughts and feelings seem to get stuck inside and until I get them out I can’t get out of my head. Sometimes it feels like I’m going crazy. Writing them out worked but they started coming out as poems. For a while, I kept them as a secret tucked in close. I was afraid they weren’t good enough. I mean, in school you’re taught that poems are these lengthy, stiff structured pieces of work. I remember hating poetry in school. I didn’t like how deep you had to look for the meaning. In the last couple years though, a trend in poetry has emerged. It’s more in-your-face, blatant, and bold. That’s more of the style I write in.

To add to the struggles of a writer, there’s the fear of judgement. Everyone grapples with the fear of being judged but for a writer it’s your heart and soul on the page. In so many important relationships in my life I’ve felt disconnected and unsafe. As a result, I’ve swallowed feelings and shrunk myself to please them. There was one day though when I was reading The Nightingale by Kristin Hannah and I came across a line, “I always thought it was what I wanted: to be loved and admired. Now I think perhaps I’d like to be known.” After all, what’s the point of focusing on being liked when it leaves the bitter aftertaste of loneliness? That quote has given me so much strength to be myself. I guess you could call it one of my mantras. Ultimately, it’s one of a few quotes that have encouraged me to be brave and let you read my feelings on a page. My reason for sharing all of this, all of me, with you is in hopes that my words will reach someone somewhere and touch their soul like many others’ words have touched mine. Enjoy.

With words I have the 
Power 
to turn a memory
Sweet
to turn a memory
Sour
-poetry

It feels good to pick up a pen
and write the truth
instead of hiding
behind fiction
-the unleashing

She writes to feel
She reads to forget
-found in words

Sugar on my tongue
Hellfire ink in my pen
-let it burn

The post Introducing Me first appeared on Gabrielle Stetz.